2004-07-21 - 1:38 a.m.
I haven�t been home in quite sometime, at least not in a capacity to complete this entry.
So there is this comedy thing I do that for the past 1 � dominated my evenings and events. Everything I did was either comedy of comedy-social. Gatherings, shows, three to six days a week I let this mammoth take the wheel.
-several days later again.
What things did I learn about in the last year?
I finally understand addiction (drugs). Where it comes from, why it is and why I failed to see how it could happen before.
In my year and a half out of college while doing nothing that inspires me, the only outlet that buzzes in the back of my head takes place on stage trying to make strangers (often drunk and not too into thinking) laugh. Already, I encountered some of my favorite comedians in the world in surroundings that allowed me to get to know them. Not that you know a person super well in a couple days, but if you listen really closely you get the big picture. With few exceptions it seems they all find comfort in drugs, gambling and drinking that they never achieve in their accomplishments or the company they keep.
Life seems solitary to me now. Some of the people I spend my comedy days in nights with remind me of ghost, living ghosts. They surrendered to the inevitability of things because life kicked the shit out of them one too many times. The only reason they even keep moving is because life seems to be down hill. Some made it to higher peaks than others, but most seem to be retreating from their highest point while patting each other on the back for a good effort.
--entering stage left various drugs
Drugs, which will be my generic term for vices including gambling, drinking and naturally drugs, never bothered me in moderation, until I noticed that the line between recreation and life-substitute blurred for me nearly subconsciously. I don�t want to be comfortable in not fulfilling my potential, and drugs made it easier for me to not worry about it so much.
Being responsible for my destiny never legitimately occurred to me until long after I had no one else holding me up. Not having enough money or time or will to fucking care, humbled me to the point where I understood that I can fall just as fucking far as I am willing too. Conversely, there is more to life than just not falling and I am willing to except the rather ego bruising fact that nothing in the world is waiting to push me up. My eyes have always been pretty open, but not until recently have I actually started looking around.
Ps Sorry to dump in this diary. Good abounds in my life, but my lack of quality company forces me to get these things out on this damn impersonal journal. Have a good one. As a wise man said, �Bleak is one letter off of beak. I think there�s something to that.�
