2004-07-03 - 3:39 a.m.
Emotional Condition :: Drunk
Returning from a party at Canyon Oaks I realized that Austin really died for me some time ago. When I graduated from college I made the mistake of not going anywhere. I live in a ghost town � nothing but memories and place where people I used to hangout with lived.
Nearly every place I spend my days, nights and weekends harbors semi-painful memories of people that will never cross my path again. A weird thought to realize, especially considering how highly I held those people at one time. Just like any failed relationship, a few years down the road you remember not what drove you away, but what kept you together.
Even as drunk as I am let me just say that not hanging out with some of those people was the right thing to do�.did I mention this place formerly housed an ex-girlfriend. memories galore.
Earlier in the entry I misspoke, but I seem too hell bent on finishing to use the backspace button. Any city that houses a gazilllion people contains enough of them to make you happy or feel like you matter. This city, however, invades me. Time for a place where action beckons rather then withers away on the bitterTree.
Blah blah blah �
So there is this girl named Molly who I really adored for the nearly 2 years. I choose to sum those years up with a quote from a previous journal entry of mine.
�Let me go ahead and say why I am pissed. Molly vexes me to no end. She is a really charming girl who is quite aware of just how charming she is. I am not saying this is a bad quality, but rather her persistence in making people like her gives certain people leeway to believe her affections are of a more tender nature. For those who reciprocate those tender emotions, her false affections bring an unneeded burden of hope.�
Basically I loved her and never got anywhere with that. �Friends zone� they call it. It has been a year since I reduced contact and those feelings don�t bite at me anymore.
Lie! who's a liar? I am
My feelings for her no longer affect my conscious mind. Until recently when I realized, I treat her like shit! I almost reflexively take the opposite stance of anything she thinks is true or worthy of comment.
Ex:
Molly :: � I believe blah�
Me:: � I spend so little time listening to what you have to say, I can�t even come up with a better example of something you say than �blah� �
IRRegardless, as my football coach used to say, that girl needs an apology. She made me feel like I was her's when I wasn�t. She made me feel like no one else matter but me, and every other guy around felt the same. However I slice it though, she really didn�t mean me harm and never deliberately tried to hurt me the way I reflexively hurt her now.
Shit it�s late. Long story short, she was a dick, I was a bigger one.
No time for editing�drunkin rampage over.
